did you ever had that feeling one day you woke up and realized how pathetic and miserable your gaddamn life is? i have those 'episodes' i like to call it. i just open my eyes and lay in bed and think how my life sucks big time. and how could it even suck more. honestly, if my mom didnt literally force me to take up up nursing, i wouldnt know what course i am taking right now. i have no direction. i dont know what to do with my life. i have an ultimate goal though: be freaking rich by the time i hit thirty.
now how am i going to do that is a million dollar question. talk about being pathetic with a capital X. i like to write sure. i know a lot of computer stuffs. im gifted for crying out loud. i know how to play basketball and i know how to shoot. i just dont know how to put them all up together so i can have a little bit of what everybody else have, a life. a friend on the internet told me that all i need is a boyfriend. yeah right. puhlease. can anyone one of you please track her down and tell her I DONT FUCKING NEED A FREAKING BOYFRIEND! for once please, i dont need to hear the words boyfriend and lovelife. for a change.
i feel i need to do something. something.. something that could tell me i am living a purposeful life. reading that purple book by rick warren did no good. if you are planning to give me a self-help book on my birthday, please save it until jollibee's ma-Aga ang pasko donation drive and some kid will be happy to read it, but not me. i like to join those mission groups, ya know. those people who travel and help a lot of people and those journalists maybe that goes around proclaiming freedom and shouting justice and liberation for all. i like that. i like to do charity works.
i like to help people help themselves. i like to work in an orphanage and help some kid get a real family. i like to work on a nursing home where i could tell the old folks there that they are not alone, that i am there for them. i like to work for a peace corp and heal nations. i like to help the muslims. i like to go to africa and meet the people there, teach them and learn from them. i like to talk to osama bin laden, get into him so i could tell the whole world that he is not such a bad man, he just wants change that's all.
when i think of all the things i want to do, the more i realize how pathetic my life is. there i was, dreaming of great things but i cannot even help an old lady cross the street or feed a hungry street child. what is wrong with me, i dont know. im just a spoiled brat letting her mommy do the decision making for her big lazy ass. im a college student who doesnt give a damn if the tuition fee goes higher again for this year or for next because anyway mommy can pay for it. im an activist who doesnt really understand the heart of the masses and of the poor because she havent been one. i raise my fist up and resent the government i dont have any idea what mistake it had done to the people. i write for my own cause, and i call myself a service-oriented student journalist. i talk of fighting for one's rights, but i myself cannot.
crap. what a big crap of silly, dumb life i am living.
yes, i have this so-called episodes every now and then. and everytime i do, i think of how i can improve my self. if not for me, for my dreams and for the people i want to help someday. they await for me, i know. dont ask me how i came to know, i just know. i dont know where these dreams come from, but my heart speaks of them everytime. pathetic thing to say, again. i know. my life is full of patheticism, if there is even such word.
i like to help the poor. i like to help the filipinos. i dont want them to work for other countries anymore. i have big hopes and grand dreams. i am full of idealism. where to start? i dont know. i am lost.
*shakes head* pathetic talaga.
i feel so bad about myself. somebody please kill me now.
